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For those of you who don't know me I am Kojak. I currently keep 35 snakes of different species. Mainly corns with some kings, yellow rats, milks, gophers and one ball python.
Today, however, I feel the need to unleash some of my inner thoughts that have once again surfaced from within.
I spent 5 months in northern Iraq during Desert Storm. Since that time I have been in an ongoing battle with depression, PTSD, and a very nasty seizure disorder. My body has become a playground for pain. My mind has become a haze at times with the loss of full use of short term memory. Long term memories are often nothing more than flashes of images and whispy clouds of things that once were.
I don't seek sympathy, but better understanding for my fellow soldiers and veterans by the general public. Many of them may not have the capacity to put into words some of the things they struggle with. Sometimes on a daily basis. I don't claim to be the voice for anyone but myself. I simply know that many share some of my feelings, fears and nightmares...
&nb sp; &nb sp; Lost Soul (Part One)
I wake to hear the wind growling at my side. It beckons me to rise. I wish it would go away. All of it. The wind, the smell of diesel fuel, the images etched into my mind from the night before. I slowly stretch my aching body, the sand and dust a harsh reminder of the reality of this politically induced mirage. I see shadows. I hear voices. I feel the cold, familiar, comforting smoothness of my belt fed weapon. My constant companion. My savior.
I see them inbound long before I hear them. More like mythical fire breathing dragons than modern aircraft. They are swift and silent. The flash and thunder... It's time...
I hear the shouts, some almost in a panic, others a little too exhilerated for acceptable human behavior. Thank god for the marriage of the warrior and the weapon.
The initial explosion is a surprisingly soft wave of relief. They're dying, we're not. This is the brutal truth of the matter. The will to kill has been removed and replaced with instinct. Self preservation has become priority one. The lives of my surrounding brothers more valuable than family now. I love these killers. These destroyers of life, instruments of death and destruction. We are focused as a knife's point thrust into the ribs of a beast. A single goal shared by all. Fear us. Die before us. Shed your blood so that I may live to tell of the horrors I have seen...that I have caused. God forgive me, for I know what I do. And I do so willingly now. Without remorse. No tears for my enemy. He is no longer human, he is no longer a threat.
"I said get in the #@%&ing vehicle, now!" "Come on, we can't sit here Phil!" As I reach down for my safety harness I hear the rounds screaming by...7.62 by the pitch....those are getting close...."Put this vehicle in motion now or I'll shoot you and throw your body out myself!" I've never seen Phil so terrified. Is it his time?
"Corporal, six niner actual says we have to clear the control tower ASAP." That's what I wanted to hear. Alot of flashes coming from those windows. "Load one round." Fear and hatred now merge to become focused furry. Like the gears of Swiss clockwork, camoflagued bodies now work as one to achieve a common purpose. Destruction. All the training, all the drills, all the reading and memorization now flow into bodily function. Second nature. Like breathing and blinking, the task at hand is performed without thought. "Locked and loaded." "Back blast area clear." Here it comes. These are the final nano seconds of breath for those whom would take my life behind those walls. It seems like an eternity...I hear the click of the electronics, the whine of the gyros..."Eat this........."
Science can be a cruel creature. Even Phil who has a background in physics and chemistry is shocked at the massive destruction. I am in admiration. Even the concrete blocks, from behind which our attackers sought cover, have become shrapnel. The building itself came to life, for a split second, to devour my enemy. It was hungry too. Flesh and bone have become one with lead, concrete and fire. Doom on them.
The dark shadows in the corners of my room are on the prowl once again. They taunt me to look in their direction so that they can vanish. They have no sense of purpose. They are lost souls, wanderers looking for reason. I slide my Springfield closer. It gives me comfort. I find it soothing...cool, smooth, subdued. It longs to come to life, only to bring death. It calls to me. I hear whispers...shadows dancing behind me. I turn to see the empty wall laughing back at me. I'm slipping again. I feel it dragging me in, pulling me down. My deep, dark, black, empty hole. It is quiet here. It swallows me slowly. My familiar friend. The emptiness. My ears ring and burn. Same questions as always. Why. What if. I demand answers to questions that have none. I am alone. Surrounded by friends, family....still I am alone. I welcome the darkness that has become my inner self. It feeds tonight. I slip into the darkness again. I join them from behind my still beating heart. I reach out to pull them to me. They are no closer now then when creeping in the corner of my eyes. They are lost. I join them in spirit. I am but a lost soul.
&nb sp; &nb sp; Kojak,
&nb sp; &nb sp; AKA: Cpl Rock
&nb sp; 3rd Battalion 325th Airborne Battalion Combat Team
&nb sp; &nb sp; 1987-1991
Thanks for reading if you managed to make it this far. I don't expect that many will understand my ramblings. But some will. For them this may have even been painful. This is simply an attempt to hold onto the light. If left unchecked, I fear the darkness would consume me. Mentally, emotionally...I must bleed to heal...
&nb sp; &nb sp; Chris